I’m a Victim of Domestic Violence
13.11.2015 | 5:16
by Dave Cogan
Watching a family where there is violence, cruelty and disrespect, where people look at each other as sworn enemies, I thought about why these families are so stable. For many years, torturing each other and their children, a man and a woman do not separate, do not break the link that binds them together, as if strong chains. What keeps them together so much? Fear? Dependence? Anything else?
We are going to find that out from the interview with the victim of a domestic violence.
I: -Hello, how’re you?
G: -I’m ok, thanks. You? (obviously after a heavy hangover)
I: — Me too. Thank you. So, how did you come to such a life? What is your problem in detail?
G: — I drink a lot.
I: — But why?
G: — I always drink after the quarrels. It makes me calm.
I: — What quarrels? With your husband? Does he offend you so much?
G: — Well, yeah… He is getting mad if there’s something he doesn’t like and sometimes punches me. I guess I deserve that, stupid cow.
I: — OMG. Into the face? I see the traces of bruising.
G: — Aha. (looks awkward)
I: -That’s terrible. Why d’you think he is doing that to you?
G: — I believe he loves me in such a way. He cannot do it another way.
I: — Psychologists say that in couples that practice domestic violence love is expressed in a state of euphoria or a feeling of strong attachment, desire to help each other (a husband who is an alcoholic, or a drug addict woman), the vows to chance, to improve each other or start a new life …Do you realize that it’s not the love that rules him?
G: — You know I trust my husband better than psychologists and everything they say. They do not get it.
I: — Have you ever been to any?
G:- Neighbors always gossip about my private life and often babble to various social services about the situation, so they come to us for consulting, therapy or something, or simply make me visit psychologists compulsory annoying me all the time because everything ain’t so bad as they think. We do quarrel but not as often as most people do. I avoid that. I doubt I need that or if it helps…
I: — Most people do not hit each other, you know. That’s what is normal. You know that in this happy state of illusion, couples like you begin to accumulate aggression towards each other, often mixed with fear of a repetition of cruelty and pain from the past. This seemingly prosperous state has the other side: anger, aggression, fear and pain, and when the passions subside, guilt, and hypertrophied mutual affection come. It’s like a vicious circle.
G: — Don’t know. I think there’s something in that craziness. I sometimes think that it’s the point we still together.
I: — I’m glad you figure that out. Unfortunately, you have not yet realized that it’s unhealthy.
G: — Why do families with lower heat of emotions, those which can generally be called average happy families break so easily then? Feelings between people grow cold and they file for divorce because they are bored! And we’re never bored. That’s why we are still together. There are other beloved, there is a feeling of dissatisfaction with life, and the next family, tripped over these obstacles, break down into component parts.
I: — How long have you been married?
G: — For 13 years.
I: — Have you got any kids?
G: — No.
I: — How long has he be humiliating you?
G: — He hasn’t been like that at the beginning. I all started after he came back from Afghanistan.
I: — Is he a former soldier?
G: — Yes.
I: — And after that you both suddenly got bored or normality and he started it all or what? And now you drink and have bruises on the face.
G: — I guess… (looks puzzled)
I: — I see that you yourself are nor sure of your feelings about it all. And of course, I advise you to go to certain services and ask for help.
G: — (looks sad)
I: — If you are familiar with the feeling that you want to leave, but can not explain that to him this desire will keep you. I bet that you were trying to leave, or at last talk to him but you had no guts. Because you’re dope. You’re dope on this madness though partially understand that it’s not the way it should be.
G: — Ok, you ‘re right. I tried to run away. Once. But I failed.
I: — What happened after that?
G: — I heard the kind words, full of love and the promises that won’t happen again, ever. And I began to feel a sense of guilt, self-pity. I also tried to express my pain, hurt once again, but did not find his understanding.
I: — Unfortunately, it’s a typical situation. It is generally accepted that if the violence was repeated three more times, then it will happen again. But, living in such family, people sincerely believe in changes over the years. Sure their faith is based on something: for example, on love for even cruel people. But it’s not worth it. No one should ever pay for the love with such a prize. Understand?
G: — Yes, I do. Everyone tells me that.
I: — Thanks for coming.Think of a different life. Take care.
G: — I will. (smiles)
Well, if you have ever experienced domestic violence, make a first step to get rid of your trouble: consider what happened to you last time: year, month, day. If to change anything in a relationship? What keeps you from it? Always remember that the happy moments that come after violence are only temporary, they are illusion, not stable and sooner or later will be alternated by fear, pain and humiliation over and over again. And like that till the end of the days. Only by separating the illusion from reality, you can make the decision that will be important to you.
If you have any suggestions or questions, feel free to comment and share.